I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
bears
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun