Who says great literature is dead?
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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Vodka burrito was a success
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils