Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …