him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
i wish i could marry a nap
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
this post was so formative to me
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.