*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host