Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I cannot call her anything else now
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression