I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons