I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.