There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
You Might Also Like
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
It’s the weekend y’all
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.