[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.