ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.