Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
This week’s mood.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad