Science memes
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?