Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.