Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭