I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”