DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.