My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I think I’ll stand
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.