i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”