By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore