Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I hope this email finds you in a well
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The internet is full of many things
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?