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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”