Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
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When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Ugh but profoundly
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin