I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion