Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
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ME: Oh no.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
is it earth
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”