me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.