Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The two types of wives
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..