Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
ouch
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
favorite tropes as memes
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*