I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
You Might Also Like
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Breakfast for Stoners:
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.