Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.