Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap