I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
All set.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I put the hot in psychotic.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.