If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?