My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
What about second breakfast?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”