tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.