Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Worth the read.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!