*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
You Might Also Like
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.