I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
first you must answer his riddles
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?