[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
You Might Also Like
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit