I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.