“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Go girl power!
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS