god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Every work meeting this week
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing