Guy who likes music
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?