wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You Might Also Like
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.