Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
You Might Also Like
Noah
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package