If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Oh. My. God.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*orders delivery*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.