hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before