Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
can I use a minion as a tampon
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.