His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.