My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’d hang this in my house.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Plumber: I think I found the problem
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.